Gravity is a Bitch!

Okay- okay, so it’s bin some time since i have sat down n decided to blog about my happy home.  Well leme tell ya- Gravity is a bitch when shit runs downhill…  First my idiot ex decides last minute to move out- i forget what i called him, but lets refer to him now as the walking bike rack.  So i got screwed for expected cash.  Then the FOB and the other import decide to tell me the DAY RENT IS DUE- “We move now..!”  So again i am screwed for dollars.  Santa, well he isnt the most reliable when it comes to cash, for some reason he feels pot first- rent last…  Silly rabbit- i can only take shit for so long.  And frankly, its all running into ma shoes right now- nothing worse than that squishy shit feeling between your toes.  So last night, again i get excuses as to why he could not pay on time- bank this welfare that- BUT had enough cash to have his dealer cash his cheque from work and spent a few hundred bucks on an ounce of pot… Does anyone else see a problem with his priorities or is it just me?  Junior was my back up- he such a sweetheart- he has yet to blog, but will soon- as of now he says everything is great… poor diluted soul…!

Anyway- i will delve further into the details and shit later- heading out to get wasted at a campsite for the long weekend… chat to y’all Tuesday.. till then pray the levies hold- i dont wana come home to shit up to my eyeballs… i cant swim..!

 

TB

Noteworthy

Yes I know it has been awhile since anyone has written in this blog. Wilma here, for the record, but the truth be told…which rarely happens here at 1 Crooked Line- is that there hasn’t been a lot happening that is noteworthy, or blog worthy! Seems the building has been quiet.

We do have some new players coming soon, Black Guy is moving in, and Happy Ending and FOB, the Boat people have moved out- onward and upward as the saying goes. They were pretty boring anyway, so really not a big loss for the blog eh?

Get the F*ck out!

Have no fear, there is still an arrange of colour that visits, we have the Curry & Turmeric Boys that hang around the edges, mostly hanging in their secret spot smoking up. Truly if this was a spice rack, we could make some interesting dishes. Now, I wonder, what would I be? White Pepper for sure- adding just the right amount of zip! HA!

We have…hmmm..what shall we call him? The new guy I guess works for the moment, (not to be confused with Black Guy) until we come up with a better name- Teddy Bear is better at making up the names than I. The new guy- is white, young and has brought some drama to the building- of the female variety, so far we have had clothes slipped on the front lawn, drama of juggling two “ladies” at the same time,  and from what I understand one of the “ladies” (yes the term is used very loosely) has, apparently a mean right hook.

It will be interesting to see what happens next.

Quiet before the storm?

1 crooked line

It’s been very quiet here at 1 Crooked Line…what the hell is up with that? What kind of reality blog is this?

I have my fingers crossed that this is just the quiet before the storm…maybe? One can only hope.

What’s up with the picture you ask? Nothing, just kind-a cool, and well, something has to be cool or interesting to blog about don’t you think?

Shifting into new directions- bakwards upways-

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1crookedline

Wow-  I shuld never post a blog when over tired and bitchy.

Todays events in a short and sweet summary.  The sun rose and the sun set… thats about it really.  We did a lot of nothing here at Ivory Tusk, puppies here had a play date, the Flintstones had a day with the gran-kids and Santa, The FOB and Happa Endin werked and i beieve the Crazy was out at a movie… shit- not a lot goes on when nothing is happening.

I really am beginning to miss our old roomie….um… lets call him Christmas.  No relation to Santa at all, except they both liked to take without asking and drink whats not theirs and make total fools of themselves when hammered.. which turns out to be frequently.  The biggest difference is whenever Christmas was hammered or enjoying his “snow” he would make yu pasta, no matter what time of the day.  3am and you could walk in from the bar and he would be like- “u hungry, want sumthin to eat?  BAM- the man makes yu pasta with all the fixins… AMAZING!  Some of our neighbours liked him too- middle if winter after 3 days awake, he would be outside at 4am shovelling ANY and EVERY laneway on the block.  He was also the only persoon i know that would hit on the cops when they arrived one night after a roomie kaffuffle… kept commenting on her ass and wanted to be arrested just so she would frisk him.

Well, its late and i dont wana rant on about nothing that happened on a day of nothingness, lets chat again tomorro- hopefully sumthin exciting happens- dear gawd let there be a fight or car accident out front my door when i come home from work..

 

TTFN

TB

And the Moral of the Story is…

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I really dont know what the headline refers- just thought i would write something catchy, maybe attract a more philosophical readership-  Not that those of you reading are retarded or anything- well not all of you.

Today was an average day, like most average days are- it started out with a great sleep and some intimate cuddles and amazing sex- yes i am still lying on my sheets with have this unusual crunchy spot- thanks Junior.  BTW- its mass murder what you did- i feel like i am lying ontop of an unmarked grave of millions of lil junior “shoulda-coulda’s”.  A moment of silence please for all the lost soldiers…!…………………………………………………… OK- enuff about Juniors junk on my bed- more to what unfolded in our day.  So after we arose from bed, we proceeded to make some pasta for lunch, ate it, had some leftover ice cream cake from my bday (June 23rd- just turned 27years old- again)… and then headed off to work.  Worked all night and came home- watched Junior strip down to his skivies so i could wash our work clothes for our Sunday shift and an evening crap in the can and here we are in the present….  OMFG- if we make this a reality show, people are gona be soo bored!  Lets spice it up some.  Lets dive into how i feel about The Crazy fleeing the scene of his crime.  (Recap, The Crazy is my ex of 8yrs who left me for our best friend only to be dumped 2 weeks after and then came crawling home with his tail between his legs in shame.  Apparantly the grass wasnt so green over the fence, you lept without looking and landed in dog shit… well that will fucking teach yu..!  So, because i was in remorse (not really, but to give me some glimmer of empathy, lets just play pretend.)  I allowed The Crazy to come bak home.  He moved his shit back into “our” room and proceeded to act as though all was well.  Boy, did i hammer on the breaks and was like “Nu’uh biatch, u aint crashing ma crib wit ur gay drama and last years baggage”  At which point i moved him into the spare room where he became a full fledge roomie- paying bills n rent and the like.)  BTW, as yu read this, he’s moving at the end of the month- so if u needs a place to move into- rent is $600/mth and includes all utilities and a place in our blog and ya- love, we include free love as well… just not free me, i don’t like people to love them- unless they are on fire, then i love to watch people.

Why do u ask did we split?  Well that’s where it gets kinda complicated and hurts to discuss- He was a lying cheating whore for all 8years, i was never good enough either good looking, good in bed, good personality or good anything- so he slept around and even had the nerve to bring home Chlamydia (i dint know her well enuff to ever invite her home, but The Crazy thot it would be pristine to invite her in bed with us one night… bad move!)  So i eventually got fed up and when he sed he was moving in with our best friend that they were exploring the idea of a relationship- i was like “aiight, see ya.”

So now, he advised me last night that he will be seeking domicile residency elswhere at the end of this month- not with a close friend or family, of course not- lets shack up with some dirty fag trick from off the web, never met nor hung out or anything, cuz i am sure this will work out.  WANTED- Roomie with Common Sense and money… its a hard request, but i am sure there has to be someone drivin a Lexus with an iphone 4.  Welfare pays me directly, best kind of arrangement.

Now i gotta post me a Craigslist ad to replace the lost soul, i should also subscribe to the local paper- i m sure we find him in there soon.

Well i am tired and really need to sleep- busy day tomorrow, think i am doing all of nothin.  Peace out y’all…

 

oh ya- the Moral…. hummmm…  Lets just say that Baseball is al wrong…!  A man with 4 balls cannot walk…!

 

TTFN…!

Freddy got Fingered…!

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1crookedline, The Crooked Line

Well it’s pretty late and i am as tired all hell- or maybe it’s pretty early and i am tired as all hell- either way the moral is- i’m fuckin tired..!  So i learned today that Freddy Flintstone doesnt wana be the spotlight of our blog- poor silly bastard, never say what you don’t want cuz people like me thrive on making others feel akward and uncomfortable… tee-hee (childish giggle)..!

Fred, Fred, Fred- oh where to begin about Mr. Flintstone…   hummm, well lets see- i know he has some issues with cups and clean BBQ’s, he really hates the dog (not Wilson, my most amazing canine but the Fuzzball we shall now name- um- Mushi).  He also like… um….. well he really doesn’t like….. fuk yu know what, i really dont know the man that well at all.  He could very well be some sort of closeted sociopath with narcisistic tendencies with a twist of agoraphobia… who the hell knows.  He is a decent lad with a shiny head and a heart of gold (i am buttering him up here, have to tell him i am raising his rent soon-) Poor white trash here, and not on welfare, so i can’t afford me no Lexus or iphone 4, instead i have to bleed my roomies and tenants where and when i can.  Keep it a secret y’all.  I think Fred may also have a slight case of the gay in him, not outright full blown gay, but more the slight bit of shopping and personal hygiene and good manners and sophostication and oh ya, the man likes to shop, and not like WalMart shop, i mean like $200 per tie sorta shop, Amrani, Kenneth Cole, Hugo Boss, Michel Kors and the like.  BTW- thanks for the few extra ties yu parted with to me Fred… luuuuuuuvvvv yu!

Well since i dont know much about him- lets just make shit up- so i heard from a reliable source that Fred has this quirky little thing he does in bed- and leme tell ya- Yabba Dabba Frickin Doo….

Okay- well that’s all i really know about him- stay tuned- lets chat about someone more interesting tomorrow.. or today- or later.. you know what- i just gona create a new blog in a few minutes.. any suggestions on who i should write about next?  We can always give a short clip of past events- or maybe just give a summary of my freakishly boring day- except for  the great sex- as i lay on a crunchy section on my sheet on my bed (thanks Junior!)

We’ll see- all depends on how i feel in 3 minutes….

TTFN

TB

Cast Change?

Well what the hell, before you even get a handle on the players, we are changing it up…that’s the way it goes in life…here today, and gone tomorrow. It does so…don’t make me slap you! oh…sorry, voices in my head arguing with me again!

Let me see if I can make some sense of the cast here now. I know so damn confusing.

The first thing to keep in mind is the word functional, because it does not, in any way, shape or form apply here! *insert big ass smile here*

There’s Teddy Bear, and The Crazy, a gay couple that split up after a long relationship, The Crazy and Teddy Bear stayed friends, sort-of…sometimes…and became room mates.

Teddy Bear has a FWB (Friend with benefits) his name in Junior, and they have a puppy named Wilson.

Happy Ending: an Oriental lady who happens to be Teddy Bear and Jr.’s boss…or at least for the moment. Happy Ending has a boyfriend that visits, he’s black.

Oh yes, didn’t we mention we are just like Joseph and his coat of many colours?

FOB: He rarely speaks, because he doesn’t know much English or maybe he’s just trying to keep his sanity has yet to be discovered, ( ya right, like we will let that happen, we all have to be nuts, it’s what makes us work! he he)  he too works with Happy Ending, Teddy Bear and Junior.

Santa: Who at the moment likes the ladies, so until we find some  ‘evidence’ or a confession, we will assume for argument sake that he is straight, Santa’s a white guy.

The Flintstone’s: Fred and Wilma…did I mention I was a witch? No…well how silly of me, Yes, I’m a Naturalist-pagan aka Witch, isn’t that interesting? Fred and I  have 2 dogs and a cat, the black dog, the white dog and “cat” it’s black. Of COURSE it had to be black…I’m a witch remember?

*drum roll please* now “The Crazy” is moving, that’s right, he’s moving out at the end of the month, you no what this means right? A new room mate…a new player at the house…a cast change!

Damn…what the hell is going to happen next?

Help me!

Straight to the Point…

Kind of an oxy-moron of sorts, not a lot is really straight at Ivory Tusk.  Me for one isn’t, The Crazy is most definitely not, the Flintstones are not, Santa is well sort of lost and confused (could just be a heavier closet door…)  Junior is for sure, i could show slides explaining why he’s not- but ssshhhh! no one is to know- he dont like being not straight- for a gay man… WTF?

The house on Ivory Tusk Court- wow, its a smorgasbord of hilarity and turmoil, drama and chilling suspense.  So kinda like the Price is Right, without the beautiful people sleeping with old men… ok- so we are identical.  We decided as a family (one for all and all for me- Teddy B) to start up a blog so we could get our lifestyle posted and have people input or just muse as to our daily dose of BS.  Eventually when the Sick Kids lottery pays off, we will also start an online reality show of the same name.  Much more funny wen yu see the shit happen live rather then to have to recount ur nightly exploits sober the following day.

Lets pick a family member and say a few polite words… hummmmmmm… Lets see…. ok, lets talk about one of the dogs- Wilson… hummmmm, little shit eats everything in sight and shits all over the floor… lets skip him….  Did i mention i wana buy a monkey and name him Grover, so then i can teach him to stik his finger up his ass and rub it on people…. hahahahaha!  OK well for me thats funny….  OK- bak to work- WTF, getting dirty looks from the boss… fuk sakes i shuld evict her- she driving me sane, expecting me to work, like shit…!

 

TTFN Peeps

Santa has a Boo-Boo

Earlier our very own Teddy Bear Introduced you to some of the players here at 1 Crooked Line, if you missed it, be sure to go HERE to get familiar with the cast of characters.

The other night “Santa” came home with a boo-boo, our Santa is not to be

Bad Santa 2 tips here!

confused with the happy jolly fellow, no he’s more like “bad” Santa- and who knows maybe if there is a sequel to the movie they can read this blog and get some ideas. Our Santa smokes, drinks and well- you get the picture.

So Rule #1 kids (and don’t try this at home) martial arts and booze don’t mix! You think you can do those amazing ‘HiYa!” moves, but you really can’t at the time, this results in an injury, or in our Santa’s case, a fucked up foot!

Oh, this is Wilma in case you haven’t figured it out yet, and yes Teddy Bear it is wonderful to work at home!

Stay tuned, there will be lots more going on, do you have a pen and paper handy? You might want to grab one, or upgrade to a note-book, you’ll want to keep track of who is doing what. See if you can connect the dots, this is after all a ‘reality’ blog with a twist as  the names and places  are changed to protect the guilty *cough* I mean innocent.

Maybe I should add a disclaimer:  any resemblance of events or people written here is completely coincidental- REALLY- it is.  *Insert ba-ba-ba background music here*

Time for a field trip… off to work!

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1crookedline, The Crooked Line

Okay- Seriously WTF?

I think those on welfare or the riff raff that communes with Santa in the garage have it made.  Sponging from our government immigration system driving fancy cars and living in big houses… my gawd!  I bust my ass to have what little i do and still i am stuck working for “the man”… who is the man- can’t say, but lets just imply he an import.  Teddy Bear here folks, working away at my summer job- wishing i was home sipping an ice cold drink and doing fuck all… gee i wonder what the Flintstones are up to today, must be nice to work from home.  I knew i shoulda applied for welfare- colda had me a Lexus and new Iphone 4…  Dammit!

Well lets see see here, you all missed Junior last night, he swung by and gave me cuddles and we chilled and watched a couple movies.  Followed of course by the implications of sexual encounters, but i guess my radar was off cuz that dint happen.  Insted i got the cold shoulder, and we wound up crashing at 3am.  I was up early with the dog “Wilson” (thats his real name, i am sure he wont mind.  Junior.. well he wasnt up, or at least awake, he’s not much a morning person- no matter what appendage i have inserted in my mouth… who woulda thought… meh- i am good and he will be back for more.

So i hopped in my car, dreading the ride to work and the actually work which would ensue, FML..!  I work as a host for an amazingly Zensational restaurant- food is great atmosphere is grande- management bites ass though- i missed the drama here Tuesday they called the police who arrived as a server was let go and he threw papers at upper upper management- papercuts are deathly i hear now a days…. LMAO.

So i really have tonnes more to say, but i should seat the people here awaiting a table its bin 15minutes.. thats right, tell me you are in a hurry and thnk i gonamove my ass… WAIT LIST..!!!!

 

TTFN